Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
