Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
