i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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