Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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