Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
