You smell like a Billy Joel song
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize