He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize