Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
