if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
