ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
