Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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