i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
