i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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