we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
