I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
