porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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