i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
