So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My cat gives me a boner
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
