fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
