I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
