Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
