I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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