I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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