p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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