So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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