OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
