The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
