You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
