Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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