Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
