I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
