Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
FUCK WHALES
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
