Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
