Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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