Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
