my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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