dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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