just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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