Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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