My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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