my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
