so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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