my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
