I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
