your parents love me but you hate me
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
