I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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