I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
