Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
