shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize