my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize