i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
