I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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