So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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