i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
there is glitter all over my balls
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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