The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
