Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
