I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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