Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
