i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize