planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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