1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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